Wheel of Fortune
by Denizen-110
Summary: PG13 for swearing, mainly. Read it. Review it. Laugh. In no particular order.
1. Round 1 Caramel

Wheel of Fortune: Special Edition – Video Game Character Takeover!

ROUND 1

Me: Okay! … I can't do this…-cracks up laughing-

Cameraman #1: We're on live, you know…

Me: OMG! Really? Do I have my microphone and answer cards?

Director: You've got the new mini-mike built into your top.

Me: Oh yeah. Sorry, I got too excited about seeing Razzie and Dante. By the way, where's our third contestant?

Director: She's coming soon.

Me: And I'm still missing my answer cards…

Raziel: -hands the answer cards to me-

Me: …how the heck did you get _those_? Ahem. –turns to face camera- Anyway, I'm Kat Smirnova, and welcome tooo…the WHEEL OF FORTUNE! Today we're having a SPECIAL LIVE EDITION: The video game character takeover! Our players today are Raziel, Dante and…-squints at intro card- I can't read this! –complains to director, holding out cards-

Director: I don't care! Add whoever you like, just get on with the show! We only have thirty-two minutes left! Although we WILL go overtime, but oh well.

Me: Ugh, fine then. –mutters- Idiot. Ahem. Anyway, our THIRD player is…

Usual host: Hey, that's MY show! –runs on-

Me: -bashes his head in with a pickaxe and pushes the body away- Eh, hehe, anyway, lets continue! And our THIRD player is…Keira. –hush in the audience-

Dante: … You cannot expect me to stand next to HER.

Raziel: She's so obsessed with pink, it's not funny, if it ever was. –fixes his mask-thing, standing over the body of the usual host-

Me: Hey, you killed the usual host! That's…-shrugs- meh. He wasn't very popular anyway. Although he was already dead, but you didn't have to suck his soul out. Whatever. Continue. –clears throat-

Keira: Hey, why is the light behind me red and not pink?

Dante: I'll kill her soon.

Raziel: I second that.

Me: CAN WE JUST CONTINUE WITH THE SHOW? It's bad enough that Raziel read the answer cards…

Raziel: hehe…

Kain: -stands up in the audience- I want caramel popcorn! Why aren't they selling us caramel popcorn? –starts feeding on the audience-

Me: So much for caramel popcorn.

Cameraman #2: Hey! Hey, stop that! –runs over to Kain and knocks him out with a blow from his camera-

Me: Okay! The first letter Raziel's! I'll start us off with a spin…-spins the wheel, which lands on 75- Okay, Razzie, shoot!

Raziel: -narrows eyes- Don't…call…me…that….

Me: Pick a letter…Trish is waiting.

Trish: Yeah! I want to turn over the letter already!

Raziel: Fine. Then, I choose…d for DeeDee.

Me: WHAT? WHO'S DEEDEE? HAVE YOU BEEN CHEATING ON ME?

Raziel: No, I wouldn't do anything to hurt our nonexistent relationship.

Trish: -trips over her long, overly gold glittery dress as she walks over to the other side- So are there any d's?

Me: Oh. Sorry. Er…-looks on card- Yes! There is one d on this board! By the way, did I mention it's a saying or phrase?

Director: No.

Me: Oh, thanks then. I did anyway. Trish….Trish?

Trish: -has knocked herself out tripping on her dress again while going back to turn over the d-

Me: Oh god. Someone go revive Trish? I don't want to have to get anyone else up there.

Keira: She's got really great dress sense…although I'd have preferred a pink dress, myself.

Trish: -regaining consciousness- Yeah, that's what I wanted! But they said that they didn't trust blondes with pink dresses because they always seemed to steal the worst looking ones. I actually LIKE my hair colour, and the pink dresses they had were lovely! I have to show you sometime so we can kill them and steal the dresses!

Keira: Er…yes. Could you repeat that? I didn't understand any of that except for the words 'blonde' and 'pink'.

Trish: Well, I don't remember what I said anymore.

Me: Get on with the game. I'm sure people don't want to hear your blonde conversation. Raziel…I think you get another turn now. -randomly clings to Raziel-

Raziel: I can't spin with you doing that.

Me: Oh, sorry! You'll have to spin to win, of course! –giggles and lets go of Razzie-

Raziel: -spins a Free Turn thingy-

Me: Ooh, yay! You get a free turn card! Here you go! –plonks a Free Turn card in front of him-

Raziel: Soo…I spin again, right?

Me: I think so…go anyway!

Raizel: -spins a 100- Er…how about…t?

Me: T? Trish?

Trish: Hey, my name starts with a T!

Me: Yes, Trish. There are 3 Ts on the board! Yay Razzie!

Raziel: I can't see my score.

Me: -checks- Whoo! You have 375! You're SO in the lead!

Raziel: Can I buy a vowel?

Me: Sure! Shoot! 25 bucks!

Raziel: E.

Me: Whoo! There are two Es on the board! Trish…go turn or I won't give you that pink paint for your room…

Trish: -goes and turns over the Ts and Es- Hey, those letters RHYME! Yay!

Me: Yes, Trish. We'll get you back in Blonde Mental Institute right after the show. Keira…you can come along too.

Keira: Yay! Road trip! …I won't get my hair dirty, will I? I just dyed it blonde!

Me: Keira…blonde is your natural colour. You dyed it green so you could have a part in the Jak and Daxter series.

Keira: oh yeah…

Me: Okay, Dante, it's your turn! –hugs Dante randomly-

Raziel: Hey, what about me?

Me: Oh, you're my favourite on your turns. The other two turns it's Dante.

Dante: … -spins and lands on 30- Crap.

Me: Letter…

Trish: This is a fun job! Am I getting paid?

Dante: They're both as bad as each other…N. For nerdy.

Me: There's an N on the board! Triish!

Trish: -trips over her dress again but manages not to fall-

Me: WAIT!

Trish: -freezes in mid-near-fall- What?

Me: There's TWO Ns on the board!

Trish: -gets up- Oh. Okay then. –turns them over-

Dante: -spins again, landing on 130- Oh yeah! Let's ROCK! R for…um…rock!

Me: Yay! You're my Dante! –hugs- There's one R on the board!

Trish: -turns it over- Are we nearly done?

Me: No. We're near the end of round one, though. I hope.

Dante: I'm buying a vowel. U for under.

Me: -standing in open-mouthed shock- Dante… -bursts into tears- There ARE no Us on the board! It's Keira's turn! I didn't want it to come to this!

Dante: Oh shit.

Raziel: If she doesn't mention pink, I'll let her live.

Keira: I want a P for pink! Is it going to be pink? I want the letter to be pink! –stamps her foot-

Raziel: …

Me: -hugs him and then looks on answer card- OMG CAN THIS BE REAL? KEIRA ACTUALLY MANAGED TO GET A LETTER RIGHT! Ahem. Er…there's a P on the board.

Trish: Pink will overrule all you other-colour-supporters!

Me: …oh please. Just turn the bloody letter.

Trish: -turns over p-

Me: Okay, now it's Raz's turn again!

Director: Hey! You can't do that!

Me: Why not? Keira's a bitch.

Director: It's in the rules.

Me: I'm hosting.

Director: -hands me a thick rulebook- Read through. It says that legally, she needs to finish her turn or you'll be kicked off the show.

Me: I'm already here illegally, you know.

Director: Yeah, but we can pass that off as legal. However, not the rules.

Me: -flips absentmindedly through rulebook in a few seconds, managing to read everything at the same time- Fine then. –throws rulebook back to director and sighs- Keira. Pick another letter.

Keira: P! For Pink! Pink, pink, pink!

Me: -sighs again- Okay then. Keira. Let me get this to you in short, simple sentences.

Keira: Will I be able to understand?

Me: Hopefully.

Keira: Okay, shoot!

Me: Okay. Look. You cannot say a letter twice.

Keira: Hm?

Me: You can't say a letter again.

Keira: -tilts head in puzzlement and scratches back of neck-

Me: That's it. Raziel…remember what we talked over.

Raziel: Oh, yeah. I'm…uh…'guessing' the puzzle now.

Me: Thank god. Sh— -is interrupted by

Elder God: Yes?

Me: What are you doing here?

EG: You said God. I'm the only god in the vicinity. I came.

Me: I didn't say God. I said thank god. Which has nothing to do with you or any other god. Shove off. Raziel, you were saying?

Raziel: Much as I think it's absolute shit, the phrase is 'paint the town red'.

Me: Yeah. Okay, people. Ad break.

Director: We have no ads.

Me: Oh well. I'm having a break anyway. Where's my chair?

Elder god: Oops. I wondered why this thing had 'Kat' written on the back.

Me: -eyes chair, which is now dripping goo- …keep it. Someone get me another chair, hm?

Trish: Why is no one paying attention to me?

Me: -eating pistachio nuts that randomly appeared out of nowhere- Because you're a stupid bitch.

Director: Okay! Okay! We'll have ads! Cut!

END ROUND ONE

DISCLAIMERS: If I owned Dante, he wouldn't be in DMC. He'd be permanently locked in my bedroom.

I take no responsibility for ownership of Trish and Keira. However, I am selling them. At a price, you can get both blonde freaks. Just don't tell Naughty Dog and Capcom it was me.

I love Raz so much it's the same as if I did own him. However, legally, it's Eidos.

I don't own the Elder God and nor do I want to. I don't like sushi, okay?

Fortunately, I have never owned a pink skirt. Unfortunately, the same goes for Kain. The owning thing, not the pink skirt thing. snickers

I would kill myself if I owned the Wheel of Fortune.

On that note, I have nearly no idea how the game works (it got cancelled a few years back, I think) and I have nearly no idea how the show business works. I don't care, either. It makes for a funny fic.

I do own myself, and the chair. The one the Elder God didn't goo over. So don't steal 'em. The pistachio nuts are mine too. I'll take the phrase 'Shove off' too.

Although I have both SR2 and DMC, I don't own them, or any of the characters. God help you if I did. God help my bed, too. And see Naughty Dog about the ownership of the Jak games and characters. Don't own them either.


	2. Round 2 Interior Designing

_A/N: Whoo! I gotses reviews! So, therefore, I dedicate Round 2 to two people: Niko-yasha on and Celtic Dawn Star on You guys rock!_

ROUND TWO

Me: Ookay. Guess what, people?

Keira: You decided to redecorate the studio entirely in pink?

Me: … No.

Keira: Then what?

Me: Well…-pauses for suspenseful music, and then looks at Director when it is not immediately forthcoming-

Director: What?

Me: … you're supposed to put on the suspenseful music when I say Well… and pause.

Director: Oh. Okay then. Start again.

Me: Okay. Ahem. Guess what, people? Well…

-drumroll sounds-

Me: Okay, who did that? We're supposed to have _suspenseful music_ here, not _drumrolls_. –is absolutely annoyed at the incompetence of everyone-

Director: Complain to the Sound Effects people, not me. I just tell them what to do, they actually do it.

Me: Well tell them I need _suspenseful music_ and not drumrolls again this time, okay?

-a moment passes-

… This is the bit where Raz or Dante says something, you know, like they always do.

Director: They're not here.

Me: Pssh. If they're not back by the time I get to the suspenseful music…

Director: Okay! I'll make sure they're back!

-Raziel and Dante stroll in with McDonalds-

Me: -hisses in annoyance- Where…the hell…were you?

Dante: What does it look like?

Me: -sighs- That's the last time I try actually _asking_. Why the heck did you get Maccas?

Dante: Well…

Sound: dun dun duun…

Me: THAT IS ENTIRELY THE WRONG BLOODY TIME TO DO THAT FUCKING SHITWIT! IT'S WHEN _I_ SAY WELL NOT ANYONE ELSE!

Director: I'll look into it.

Me: -fumes-

Director: I informed the Sound Effects people.

Me: Okay! Finally! Well…

Sound: dun dun DUUUUUNNNN!

Me: -cringes but keeps going- We survived to round two! Barely…

-everyone else is standing around stunned from the extremely loud, albeit successful, suspense music-

Me: Okay! Anyway! Hehe…waittasec…do they have soulburgers now?

Nearly everyone: What?

Me: Well, if Raziel went to get Maccas…and since he has no lower jaw and therefore cannot eat…

Raziel: I still _eat_.

Me: Yeah, but its all souls. Don't you ever want a bit of variety?

Raziel: Not really. They all have different tastes.

Me: Oh yeah? What would mine be, then?

Raziel: Hm…salt. –stares at me-

Me: What? Why? Don't stare at me like that! … Ehehehe…right then! Anyway, on with the show! -mutters- I hate my life, right from…now.

-louder- Okay! So! We continue with Raziel's turn! Um…yeah. Name of a place. Gods, I hate this.

Raziel: Don't we all?

Me: Probably. Anyway, we may as well start.

Raziel: Oh god.

Elder God: Again? I was having my beauty sleep!

Me: -snorts- You fucking well need it.

Elder God: That wasn't very nice! –grabs for me with tentacles-

Me: -dodging out of reach—behind Raz- Hey, shove it, eye-face.

Elder God: Just you wait till I get through the door and we'll see who's insulting whom!

Me: I look forward to it, but we have a game to play. So go off and play tiddlywinks or something, because I…AM…BUSY! A-hem. –resettles self- Anyway. Raziel, if you would?

Raziel: I'm slowly losing whatever patience I had left…if I had much to start with.

Me: Hey, you're here, no? Therefore, you have to play.

Trish: Bananas!

Me: …what?

Trish: Bananas.

Me: Triish… -sighs and places a hand to forehead- WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!

Trish: Bananas.

Me: I give up! Find someone else for this! –stomps out of studio-

Everyone else: -staring-

Harley: -randomly appears- Yey, I'll be taking over! Just because Kat, who is writing this, can't be stuffed being all nice anymore so she decided to let me, my happy-happy-joy-joy self take over!

Trish: Bananas.

Keira: Are bananas pink?

Trish: -stares blankly at her- Bananas!

Harley: uh…riiiiiggghht…anyway…uh…Raziel? –looks around suddenly deserted-except-for-Trish-and-Keira studio- Where is everyone?

Director: -calls out- Lunch break!

Harley: Oh.

…

Um…-waits a while- Okay then…

-everyone suddenly troops back in-

Director: So…continue with your work, Ka—I mean, Harley. –sweatdrop-

Harley: Ehehe… -grins- So…

Tash: -barges in- I LOVE LIAM AIKEN! OMG OMFG OMGOMGOMG OMFG! –looks around- Hey, I thought Kat was supposed to be here. And what are you doing here? I though you were dead. –to Mundus-

Mundus: Er…no. I never died, being sort of dead already.

Tash: So if you're dead, and you're a demon, does that mean that Trish is dead too?

Mundus: Well she already died anyway. Right before she revived somehow and came to banish me and go all kissy-kissy with Dante.

Dante: I did NOT kiss her!

Mundus: Like hell you didn't.

…

I shouldn't be saying that about the place I rule, should I?

Tash: No…but then…that would mean that Dante's half dead, too, right?

…

Wait, if you're all dead, and here, doesn't that mean you're zombies?

Me: -runs back on- DANTE IS NOT A ZOMBIE!

Mundus: Half zombie, according to her logic.

Me: HE IS NOT A HALF ZOMBIE!

Dante: Hell, if I'm a zombie…I must be the first zombie to actually bleed, huh. I mean, they don't really bleed…just drop rotting bits of themselves on the floor all the time and groan, right?

Me: AAAAAAAAHHHH! –faints-

Tash: Oops.

Mundus: -pokes me with his toe…does he even have toes?- I think she's dead.

Harley: -also pokes me…with her finger- Nah, I think she's still breathing somewhere.

…

Perhaps we should get her off the camera view. –sweatdrop-

Director: Just get on with the show!

Harley: Um…okay.

Anyway Raziel…wasn't it your turn?

Raziel: Yeah. What of it?

Harley: -tries to ignore me- Um…so it's your turn. So…go and…do whatever you do in your turn.

Raziel: Oh. Okay. Um…-looks around wildly- Q.

Harley: As unlikely as it is, there's a—

Me: -suddenly revives- AAAAAAAAAHHHH! –almost faints again but is stopped by Director-

AAAAAAAAAH! Harley! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING ON MY SHOW?

Harley: Technically it wasn't your show in the first place.

Me: I DON'T CARE! I'M DOING IT BECAUSE I AM OFFICIALLY MORE OBSESSED WITH MOST OF THE VIDEO GAME CHARACTERS THAT ARE HERE THAN YOU ARE!

Harley: Um…meaning what?

Me: That Jak isn't here and never will be, because I'm still writing this even though you're in it.

Harley: Aawwww! Why can't he be in it? Just a little? One line?

Me: No.

Harley: One word?

Me: No.

Harley: Just a guest appearance?

Me: NO.

Harley: JUST BEING MENTIONED TO AN EXTENT?

Me: NO!

Harley: But…

Me: _NO!_ End of story! –gets really angry-

Tash: I'm scared now. Really scared.

Raziel: I know.

Tash: She does that when she's really pissed, doesn't she?

Dante: Yeah.

Me: GET OUT OF MY SHOW! EVERYONE! _EVERYONE!_

-chases Tash, Harley, Mundus, Keira and Trish out-

Dante: Heey, I'm in this show!

Me: I don't care! –chases Dante and Raziel out-

Director: You can't do this to me! Um?

Me: I DON'T FUCKING CARE! –chases Director out-

Cameraman #1: What the—

Cameraman #2: --Hell are you doing!

Me: … -chases Cameraman #1 & #2 out-

-fumes for a while-

Elder God: -tentatively pokes a tentacle up- You forgot me.

Me: GAAAAAHHHHH! –forcefully throws EG out of the door-

Cameraman #1: -to Cameraman #2- We need to get back in there. The show and all.

Raziel: You want to risk that with _her _in there, fuming? Crazy man.

Cameraman #1: Actually, I'm a woman, but Kat keeps calling me Cameraman #1 and I can't be stuffed arguing…especially now.

Harley: Well…Jak wouldn't let himself be chased out of a studio by a random girl…

Chocolate, strawberry, banana, spinach, chicken, caramel, peach, apricot, plum, grape, lemon, beef, steak, apple, salt, sugar, pepper, cinnamon, popcorn, bread, vinegar,

DISCLAIMERS: If I owned Dante…you would be SCARED. VERY SCARED. BE SCARED. BE SCAAARRREEEEDDDD, I SAY!

Um…yeah. Just normal boring disclaimers because I'm too hyped about DMC3 to even THINK about nifty disclaimers for ALL the characters… I finished the game, y'know! And I cried at the ending. That was sooo sad…

Anyway, Capcom has all rights to Trish & Mundie, and Naughty Dog to Keira, and Eidos Interactive to Raziel & Co. Soo…yeah. I don't own 'em.

A/N: This was written months back, and I thought I'd lost the file, so I didn't try looking for it. Then, to my great surprise, I found it months and months after I'd 'lost' it. So, I actually finished DMC3 like, 3 months back or something when it first came out down here. But..I just didn't really want to change anything. Oh, and because there was no real Round 2, there'll be a second take of that. . Hope you enjoy it, I might make it with another game show when I finish the last few rounds on this.


End file.
